neurotically yours.

jennabot5000 @ 2009-02-04T16:53:00

2009-02-04T22:55:04Z

& she said;
"I think we're running out of alcohol tonight,
I hate this fucking town
And all my best friends will be the death of me
but they will never remember, remember
So please take me far away
Before I melt into the ground
And all my words get used against me"

goodbye, old livejournal.

jennabot5000 @ 2009-02-03T16:07:00

2009-02-03T22:08:52Z

i guess this is the part where i get ~~over it~~ the fuck out of here.

jennabot5000 @ 2009-02-01T12:00:00

2009-02-01T18:56:50Z

Ryan left at 12:oo last night and I asked him to turn off the light and close the door all the way, because I was about to go to sleep. I'd woken up at 7:oo that morning and taken a two hour nap but I was still really exhausted, so I gave him a hug and he left, and my room was as quiet and mellow as it always is before I fall asleep [thanks to the night light Bill got me <3]. I did as I always did and rolled over onto my tummy, then I remembered when I went to the doctor last time he told me that was the cause of my neck pain. So I rolled onto my back and closed my eyes.
You know how, when you're about to fall asleep, you start thinking ahead of it, as if you were leading yourself into whatever's going to happen in your dreams? Or maybe that's just me... Anyway, I started thinking about this marine vessel stuck in the ocean, with twelve mariners stuck on it. Then, everything got really fucking scary. My thinking about a dream became very real, and one of the maariner's ended up being eaten alive in order for the others to live, and I became very scared, so I opened my eyes. And to my surprise, everything in the room had lost it's color. Quite literally. The entire room was darker than before and there was a grainy, fuzzy quality about it, and absolutely no color. Just straight up black and white. Then my ears started ringing, very very loudly. At this point I wasn't really thinking anything of it, because weird things like that happen all the time, right? People's ears ring. Vision can become distorted for a few minutes. So I just waited for it to pass. But it didn't. The ringing became louder, and the room kept its grainy, dark, colorless characteristics. Then my entire body started tingling. Like when your foot's asleep?
I tried to reposition myself. But I couldn't move. I tried to be calm about it, I told myself that I didn't need to move anyway, I was just falling asleep. But after a few more seconds I tried moving again and I couldn't. I persisted and tried as hard as I could, but my body wouldn't not listen to me. It felt like there was something pressing down on every part of me, and there was no way I could even begin to lift my appendages. I then tried to speak, but I couldn't. I tried to scream... I think I squeaked. But nothing more than that. I couldn't move my eyes. I stared at the top of my vanity in absolute horror, then the weirdest part happened.
I felt someone beside me. He wasn't there, I could tell he wasn't in my peripheral vision, but I could feel him. He was breathing heavily and watching me, trapped in my own bed, unable to even call for help. He whispered, he said "Get up.", even though he knew I couldn't move. He then proceeded to tell me about someone, some other guy, I think, I heard "He's not-" but then he was drowned out by several things, the ringing, the sound of wind, and me talking to myself. I said to myself that it was going to pass, that there wasn't anyone else in the room, that it was going to pass. But the back part of my mind was screaming in terror. The back part of my mind said "You're going to be trapped like this forever."
Then it stopped. Not immediately, of course, but it gradually ended after about 2 minutes, even though it'd felt like an hour. I was left laying on my bed, blinking in disbelief and shaking because I still felt like that man was in the room. I was scared to step out of the bed because I felt like there was someone under the bed waiting to grab my ankles. I texted Ryan and Sam.

What are they like?

They are remarkably different from person to person, depending on the part of the brain where they begin. The one thing they all have in common is that the person remains alert and can remember what happens.

How long do they last?
Only a short time, usually less than 2 minutes.

Tell me more:
Doctors often divide simple partial seizures into categories depending on the type of symptoms the person experiences:

Motor seizures:
These cause a change in muscle activity. For example, a person may have abnormal movements such as jerking of a finger or stiffening of part of the body. These movements may spread, either staying on one side of the body (opposite the affected area of the brain) or extending to both sides. Other examples are weakness, which can even affect speech, and coordinated actions such as laughter or automatic hand movements. The person may or may not be aware of these movements.

Sensory seizures:
These cause changes in any one of the senses. People with sensory seizures may smell or taste things that aren't there; hear clicking, ringing, or a person's voice when there is no actual sound; or feel a sensation of "pins and needles" or numbness. Seizures may even be painful for some patients. They may feel as if they are floating or spinning in space. They may have visual hallucinations, seeing things that aren't there (a spot of light, a scene with people). They also may experience illusions—distortions of true sensations. For instance, they may believe that a parked car is moving farther away, or that a person's voice is muffled when it's actually clear.

I'm pretty positive I had a simple partial seizure last night.

contemplating your existance.

2009-01-31T15:55:14Z

wishing things could change.
missing the way things were before.

but then again, you weren't happy then either.
just as you want things to change now, you did a few months ago.
and a few months before that.
no amount of deep, wordy writing and sad,
heartfelt phrases could give you any release.
we're so free that we feel trapped.
too open to make our own choices, and too many different choices,
that we're scared to do anything.
and so we wish.
and we wait.
and we want.
but that's it.
and that's how it will always be.

it's inevitable, this natural discontentment.

half a year.

2009-01-30T12:23:24Z

two months.
four days.

:/

on another note, i'm really sorry.
but i don't think i was in the wrong at all.

on another another note, i really hope melanie can close for me tonight.
D:

and on the last note... well, i'll keep that part to myself.

i need someone

2009-01-29T12:43:56Z

with a mode of transportation and unsustainable amounts of ambition.

come find me.

jennabot5000 @ 2009-01-26T17:08:00

2009-01-26T23:09:42Z

"you know what would be funny?"

"what?"

"if we became each others rebounds."

...

>.>
and so it begins.

Writer's Block: Robotic

2009-01-25T17:39:08Z

Who (or what) is your favorite fictional robot?

View 500 Answers

the iron giant, hands down.

i shouldn't have loled.

2009-01-23T21:15:43Z

but i loled.

nothing ever makes any fucking sense anymore.

Writer's Block: So Long, Farewell

2009-01-19T19:48:21Z

It's the last day in office for George Bush. There's been a lot of talk in the media lately about Bush's legacy. What do you think he will be most remembered for?

View 500 Answers

strategery.

i can't wait until this summer.

2009-01-19T17:05:42Z

if everything goes as planned, anyway...

we all know plans don't have a tendency to hold up so well.

i guess if they fall through i could always take someone else?

/pessimism

... b-but yeah. :D

ryan and i are planning on leaving this summer.

we're going to fly to my mom's in texas for about two weeks

[because as much as i love my mom, texas is really fucking boring].

but hey, i'll be getting my snake for my birthday

[one of these two, hopefully, they're called rosy boas.]

and they have the BEST fucking food there.

and we'll get to relax because... well, it's boring.

but who said boring was always a bad thing? :)

but yeah... after our two weeks of near-to-nothing

we're going to fly to new hampshire! :D

and since laney's moved out of brian's house

she has an apartment now that she said we're welcome to stay in.

i have a lot of stuff planned for us,

andddd the weather up there is going to be fucking epic.

summer in the north! <3

ARGLARGALRLAGRLAGRLAGRAKASfasadasafdsfsdfsFDSFDSFDSFDSGFSGF!

/clears throat.

jennabot5000 @ 2009-01-14T16:37:00

2009-01-14T22:37:24Z

and things only get worse from there...

D:
i wrote a song today.

we're dying, we're dying, you're killing me,

2009-01-12T00:18:25Z

each lie and each truth is killing me
i'm twisted, torn and pulled about
my fears all realities, my worries and doubt
i have to get out of this
so just save that kiss
you played me for a fool, my dear
i can't even imagine staying here
i can't imagine not having you,
and you still being near
and there's nothing here to keep me
you see, no one here believes me
i'm not worthy of their trust
because i gave in to your lies and lust
we died, we died, you killed me inside
i swear to god, i lost it all,
i've lost it all, in you, my love...

lol. lololol.
i thought i knew what love was when i was 14.

in two years i'll be saying the same thing about now.

jennabot5000 @ 2009-01-08T17:03:00

2009-01-08T23:09:32Z

ha.

you have no idea.

all around me are familiar faces

2009-01-06T21:09:32Z

i love my life. :)

i really do.

&knowing you're a part of it just makes me happier. <3

chorus is going to be kickass, food dynamics is going to be kickass, and forensic science is going to be kickass.

work today!
moneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneyyyyyy
having a job is actually pretty nice. :3

this summer is going to be amazing. :D

jennabot5000 @ 2009-01-02T11:21:00

2009-01-02T17:40:35Z

"i know it's mad, but if i go to hell, would you go with me or just leave?

i hate when my days start off badly. my day started off badly today, i was crying during first block and i was on the verge of just walking home, just getting away. it was needed, but i ended up not doing it. i would have gotten into trouble for skipping second block. :[ and i mean, my day got alot better. i got to see tommy and seeing him made me happy, i hung out with him and bill<3 and samantha<3, and i ate a damn footlong. ALL BY MYSELF! then i got to drive home, also all by myself. :D i'm not a bad driver, actually. i just need to be with awesome people and not my dad, hahaha. i hate it when my day starts badly, though. it keeps me from fully enjoying a good time for the rest of the day. ha, whatev. there's always tomorrow. if i see my friends, i have a good day. :] it's not hard to make me happy. but then again, it's not hard to make me sad either.

i wonder when i'll grow out of acting like a three year old. i wonder when i'll grow out of being so sensitive. i wonder when i'll grow out of being so shy, and when i'll grow out of being so terrified of change, and when i'll grow out of my intense insecurity. i mean, you grow out of that stuff, right? ha. "it's just a phase."? fuck phases. right now, this is my life. and the only thing i don't like about it is myself. i can totally fix that.

i can't wait to read all of this bullshit a year from now.
i wonder where i'll be. who i'll be with. who my friends'll be. you know, who's gonna stay with you and who isn't. who you get into fights with and who dies, who moves away and who you're just going to drift from, and who you're going to fall in love with. damn. i've always been like this, since i was 7 or something. i guess because i'm always expecting some sort of amazing event to change my life in the future.

ha."

these are some journal entries from the past year.

"i'm hanging out with bill today. we've started hanging out alot, and i can't believe how much i've missed out by not doing this sooner. he's basically my only close friend now, and i'm really glad that he's here for me. it makes me wish i could start over again with all my old friends, because the only thing i'm craving right now is conversation, laughing and singing and dancing with someone with no threat of feeling mixed emotions and just going out with the purpose of having fun. i can honestly say right now that there's nothing worse for me than sitting by myself and doing nothing productive. it gives me entirely too much time to think, and unless i have positive stimulation, chances are i'm thinking about something that's going to make me cry. and i cry easily, and i cry alot, and i hate crying but that's me. i'm rambling.
i'm quitting band. i hate it so much, i've hated it since the beginning of 9th grade and i just stayed in it because i thought it would be fun to have a class with ryan. but i lost interest in band a really long time ago. so flute/marching is no longer in my future. i'm going to try writing now, so i'm joining journalism next year. it'll be fun.

i need to hang out, i need to do new stuff. i need to get things moving again.
haha, someone needs to pop out of nowhere and save me again."

"i don't have alot to say about today. nothing really great happened, but nothing really awful happened so i guess i had an okay day. i don't know what i'm thinking anymore, about my current situation so i guess i'll just try not thinking about it, and be myself. i don't know why, but when my mom said it, "if it's meant to happen it will.", i took her seriously. i'm going to be the same person i've been and hope that's enough. i really really really fucking hope that's enough. that's the weirdest thing about all of this, though, being the most important thing in someone's life, and then just not anymore. i know exactly how she feels. :/ oh. anyway. not thinking about that. i hung out with chase today! for a little bit. he's really awesome. i'm glad we became friends recently. he gives the best hugs ever so i'm going to make it a point to hug him more. :] and i'm hanging out with bill tomorrow. bill makes me the happiest. candice and i talked about how lucky everyone really is to have him as a friend, because damn, when no one else is there for you, bill is. he's so incredibly understanding and nice. he's my favorite. i love him.

so, i'm moving back in with my dad next weekend. i figure it's a nice change and i'm getting tired of all the female hormones colliding. i'd rather have a tiny cozy bedroom than a big scary one anyway. i need to find someone to take these cats. or at least my cat. i want her to belong to someone who's going to take care of her and not, you know. eat her or let her die."

"my heart is in such a horrible state now.
i wonder how long it's going to be until i can embrace that.
i wonder how long it's going to be until i can find myself wanting to be with someone else. i wonder how long it's going to be until i'm able to cry and not feel ridiculous and vulnerable, how long it's going to be until i feel allowed to say how i feel. when am i going to be better? when am i even going to be okay? when can i atleast feel like i'm okay? i understand i'm not going to get what i want. i understand that i've completely lost all chance i had and i'm not an option right now, i might not ever be an option again. i'm no longer filling my head with silly little ideas of ways things could have gotten better for us or how there's a chance you could suddenly come back to me.

but i'm so lost. i'm so hurt and scared.
i never even figured out what happened.
and i can't find myself letting go because of that.
i know i need to just hear it. i need that slap in the face.
i need an "i'm incredibly happy without you, you're no longer important to me, there's no chance in hell we'll be together again, so just fuck off."
but it's going to hurt so badly. i've made myself oblivious to all of this because i can't accept it, because it's hurts too badly to think of anyone else replacing me so quickly and so well. i could barely stand just not being with you in the first place. and i know it's ridiculous, but i still feel like i have a future with you, even if it isn't now. and that's keeping me from feeling anything for anyone. it's keeping me from taking any of the chances that are being flung at me. it's keeping me from getting close to anyone, because i've reserved it for you. i'm still waiting for you. i still want to be and am willing to wait for you.

maybe you should call me so you can get this silly notion out of head. or maybe you shouldn't.

jesus christ.
i'm doing everything differently, but i feel exactly the same. =("

"i miss who my friends were. i want to trust someone. i want someone to sit around for hours to talk to about everything and nothing, i want someone to go places with me, and see new things with me, and meet new people with me. this is a fucking boring city. this is a fucking boring state, and there's only so much you can do here before you run out of things to pass the time with. here you can go to a restaurant. that's all we have around here, is restaurants. so all you can do is talk. watch movies, paint pictures, go swimming, and talk. i wouldn't mind that if i had someone to talk to. i want conversation. and i want conversation where i don't have to watch what i say. i don't want to have to tiptoe around anyone because they're going to twist it up and say it to someone else. and i don't want to have to worry about losing a friend that way. people should talk to me about it. i want to be talked to. i want to be cared about.
i want alot of shit that i'm not going to get.
i realized that's what my problem is, of course. it's my problem. it's my fault. i don't fucking trust anyone.

i couldn't hang out with tommy at sonic yesterday, and i'm pretty sure that's fucked up mine and samantha's friendship. it really hurts to feel that way, but i did just suddenly leave without goodbyes or hugs or anything. but i had to leave. i couldn't be near him without feeling sick. i couldn't speak. i felt awful, and i had to leave. and no one's going to understand that, and i'm not going to try to get anyone to. fuck it.

i'm gonna start adding friends on myspace that live in new hampshire, so i can meet them when i go up there. it's one of the things i'm looking forward to. hell yeah, summer."

"i fucking figured it out.
i fucking figured it out.

i was sitting there with wadsworth, in ryan's jacket. letting myself say whatever i was feeling about my boyfriend at the moment, without the slightest regard of who i was speaking to.

i hardly care who i'm speaking to nowadays, complete focus rests on what is being said. i'm starting to be completely straightforward with everyone. it's part of my metamorphosis, this period i'm going through.

i'm almost done, though; i haven't changed, just my actions. my reactions.

i picked at leaves and picked at my nails, feeling his eyes watch me and take in everything i was saying. how he was so sweet. how he was so caring, how he would have never hurt anyone before christmas break. how everything started with me,

started with hurting me, ignoring me, leaving me and suddenly exploded into a seemingly intense hatred for everything and everyone around him.

an incredible sensitivity to his own feelings, but not anyone else's.

an attitude that put him first, a complete loss of modesty.

how careless he was about his friendships. his relationship with me. how no one understood. how everyone blamed lindsey for it, and how wrong they were. because i saw it before everyone else did. it was way before any of that happened. i watched him slowly fall apart. i watched him become what he is now. i watched because i was completely powerless to stop it. and i never knew why.

we're sitting on the steps of my porch, it was too hot beside his truck and too cold in the house.

i'm not upset. i'm not crying. just repeating what i always do, waiting to hear something different. letting it out but not letting it go.

i finished my more than just daily story and sat in silence, trying to make art with the leaf carvings i had previously done. i don't feel awkward or anything. it's okay to sit in silence, i've already decided.

"you know what happened, right?"
"what?"
"the boy had been hurt too much. he couldn't take it anymore."

"i definitely don't get out enough.
i just met like 7 great people who live around me and i'd never talked to them before.
i'm not going to drink, i don't think.
being sober around drunk people makes me not want to drink.
because i'm kindof low on self-control as it is.
uhhhh so yeah
i'm tired.
i feel good though.
i finally escaped my house. even though i still have tomato eye and probably look horrifying. i need more sunglasses because the boys broke them. ... fuckin' boys. i love them though. :] i'm glad stephen and i became friends again. he's awesome. i love that i'm dating ryan. i'm happy bill exists. even when he says "fuck you" and i ask him if he means it and he says "... i don't know."

i'm gonna go to sleep now.
i don't feel like being deep or talkative."

"see, i'm 16 years old. and i understand that i apparently haven't experienced enough in my life to understand how to treat certain situations. i don't know how i'll react to things in a year or two. but i do know that there's a very slim chance that anything that's surrounding me now will matter by next semester of school. and i'm not going to expect anything more. it all changes very quickly and most of the time it's not anyone's fault. there's no point in trying to fix something that you can't, no point in holding on to something that hurts you, and there's absolutely no point in whining about it. you're just making everyone else feel like shit. just chill out. it'll almost always pass, unless you constantly bitch about it. so shut up! have fun! it's really not that difficult.

there are people that love you, people who don't care, and people that are out to get you. there always will be, so now's a good time to get used to it. if stephen told me right now that i needed to stop doing something, i would listen. because i respect stephen and because i genuinely care about what he thinks of me. he's my friend. if, uh, brianna told me i needed to stop something, i would completely ignore it. i don't really trust her. she's not all that important to me and we live completely different lives. she doesn't know me, she doesn't know what i do, and she doesn't know why i do what i do. she's just saying what she's sees or hears, and that is nothing to base your opinion of someone on. so it doesn't matter. i don't care if someone i don't respect or someone i'm not close to tells me i'm doing something wrong. if i listened to everything everyone said, i wouldn't be a very happy camper.

/rant"

"my headaches are back. fucking shit.

when i told lindsey how my life was going before she left, she suggested that i probably should have moved to new hampshire. i think she was right. it was a mistake to stay this time. the only reason i did was because people talked me out of it about four days before i ran away. i stayed because i was convinced i was needed and that i needed them as well.

but i barely see these people now. and i realized yesterday that i feel less scared talking to complete strangers, or people i've only known for a couple of days, than i do talking to my closest friends. for some fucking reason ryan's the only exception to this rule, which is kindof funny because he's basically the only person out of my closest friends who have actually screwed me over and i should feel uncomfortable confiding in. i don't want to go do anything. i don't want to hang out. i'd rather sit inside and read a book about the aspects of the extended mind.

i'm not really sure what changed.

but the part of me that wants to hold on to anything died last summer."

"after a couple of days
and a couple of friends
and a couple of conversations
and a couple of new, awesome people,

i've come to the conclusion that
i like who i've become.
i'm exactly who i've always wanted to be.
i just have a few dents to hammer out.
like my location. >:/"

"death cab for cutie is my revolutionary band.
a majority of their songs stand for my transformation from who i was into who i am now.
i was thirteen years old, sitting in the passenger seat of otis's car, and he played "someday you will be loved."
i was scared of him, and even more scared of myself.
now every time i listen to the stable song, amputations, death of an interior decorator, fake frowns, passenger seat, new year, or any of those other songs, i'm always taken back to my first years of realizing who i was. and it's fucking beautiful.
i love my life. i love how i've gotten here. how sad i've been, how hateful i've been, how terrified i've been, how excited, and happy, and ignorant...
i love looking back every fall, when the air has just started getting that bitter, clean bite and realizing how fast and how intimately i'm growing up, plunging deeper into this ocean i'm bound to reach the bottom of one day. i love everyone that's still in my life and is keeping it intact, i love everyone who's ripped a hole in it for me to sew shut, i love everyone who's never been a part of it and never will be.
i'm happy.
i rarely have days like these.
i think it's the winter air."

happy 2009.

i am moving here my senior year.

2008-12-31T14:18:05Z

my sister's getting my room ready, but i need a roommate. :[

self-promise.

2008-12-14T08:00:18Z

never, ever again.

i can't wait to get out of here.
no one deserves this.

i'm glad i took that cd, i'm going to lay down and let it lull me to sleep.

it's nothing personal.

2008-12-09T22:31:45Z

you really just don't know me.

an update.

2008-12-04T22:18:11Z

because i know it's fun knowing how i'm fucking up my life nowadays.

if it matters at all to any of you, i don't care if you hate me or not.

you're not a part of my life for a reason.

and i have nothing else for this livejournal.
i'm hungry, bye.

i can't believe it,

2008-12-02T11:38:50Z

you're all so fucking lucky to be going to see death cab for cu-

ohhhh wait.
i'm going too. :D

[[26]]

nothing stays the same

2008-12-01T11:58:38Z

for that long.

you came at a bad time.

i'm seeing death cab for cutie this thursday, i'm excited about that. :D
we also found my birth certificate, so i get to go to nh for free!

27 days...

i had a dream last night

2008-11-26T16:40:30Z

that i was in a play this year for christmas, and i'd forgotten all my lines, even though i'd been practicing and practicing months before hand. everyone was mad at me, and no one would give me a ride home, and so i had to walk; it had been sleeting beforehand and i didn't have a change of clothes, so i walked in my blue dress that i was wearing, and i never made it home.

i woke up unsettled.

i'm a sixteen year old girl.

2008-11-25T17:48:10Z

and i find myself feeling so much older, so much wiser.
i feel like i've learned so much, enough to last me a few years,
hell, i feel like i could make it through the rest of my life knowing what i know now.

i feel like i could be a mother right now.
i feel like i could have an important position in a business occupation.
i feel mature, and patient, and understanding.

compared to you, of course.

self-promise.

2008-11-21T03:09:32Z

i'm going to grow out my hair, i'm gonna stop wearing makeup.

i want to be pretty on my own, without all of that fancy stuff.
hopefully i won't scare anyone away. >.>