| (no subject) |
[Jan. 2nd, 2009|11:21 am] |
"i know it's mad, but if i go to hell, would you go with me or just leave?
i hate when my days start off badly. my day started off badly today, i was crying during first block and i was on the verge of just walking home, just getting away. it was needed, but i ended up not doing it. i would have gotten into trouble for skipping second block. :[ and i mean, my day got alot better. i got to see tommy and seeing him made me happy, i hung out with him and bill<3 and samantha<3, and i ate a damn footlong. ALL BY MYSELF! then i got to drive home, also all by myself. :D i'm not a bad driver, actually. i just need to be with awesome people and not my dad, hahaha. i hate it when my day starts badly, though. it keeps me from fully enjoying a good time for the rest of the day. ha, whatev. there's always tomorrow. if i see my friends, i have a good day. :] it's not hard to make me happy. but then again, it's not hard to make me sad either.
i wonder when i'll grow out of acting like a three year old. i wonder when i'll grow out of being so sensitive. i wonder when i'll grow out of being so shy, and when i'll grow out of being so terrified of change, and when i'll grow out of my intense insecurity. i mean, you grow out of that stuff, right? ha. "it's just a phase."? fuck phases. right now, this is my life. and the only thing i don't like about it is myself. i can totally fix that.
i can't wait to read all of this bullshit a year from now.
i wonder where i'll be. who i'll be with. who my friends'll be. you know, who's gonna stay with you and who isn't. who you get into fights with and who dies, who moves away and who you're just going to drift from, and who you're going to fall in love with. damn. i've always been like this, since i was 7 or something. i guess because i'm always expecting some sort of amazing event to change my life in the future.
ha."
these are some journal entries from the past year.
"i'm hanging out with bill today. we've started hanging out alot, and i can't believe how much i've missed out by not doing this sooner. he's basically my only close friend now, and i'm really glad that he's here for me. it makes me wish i could start over again with all my old friends, because the only thing i'm craving right now is conversation, laughing and singing and dancing with someone with no threat of feeling mixed emotions and just going out with the purpose of having fun. i can honestly say right now that there's nothing worse for me than sitting by myself and doing nothing productive. it gives me entirely too much time to think, and unless i have positive stimulation, chances are i'm thinking about something that's going to make me cry. and i cry easily, and i cry alot, and i hate crying but that's me. i'm rambling.
i'm quitting band. i hate it so much, i've hated it since the beginning of 9th grade and i just stayed in it because i thought it would be fun to have a class with ryan. but i lost interest in band a really long time ago. so flute/marching is no longer in my future. i'm going to try writing now, so i'm joining journalism next year. it'll be fun.
i need to hang out, i need to do new stuff. i need to get things moving again.
haha, someone needs to pop out of nowhere and save me again."
"i don't have alot to say about today. nothing really great happened, but nothing really awful happened so i guess i had an okay day. i don't know what i'm thinking anymore, about my current situation so i guess i'll just try not thinking about it, and be myself. i don't know why, but when my mom said it, "if it's meant to happen it will.", i took her seriously. i'm going to be the same person i've been and hope that's enough. i really really really fucking hope that's enough. that's the weirdest thing about all of this, though, being the most important thing in someone's life, and then just not anymore. i know exactly how she feels. :/ oh. anyway. not thinking about that. i hung out with chase today! for a little bit. he's really awesome. i'm glad we became friends recently. he gives the best hugs ever so i'm going to make it a point to hug him more. :] and i'm hanging out with bill tomorrow. bill makes me the happiest. candice and i talked about how lucky everyone really is to have him as a friend, because damn, when no one else is there for you, bill is. he's so incredibly understanding and nice. he's my favorite. i love him.
so, i'm moving back in with my dad next weekend. i figure it's a nice change and i'm getting tired of all the female hormones colliding. i'd rather have a tiny cozy bedroom than a big scary one anyway. i need to find someone to take these cats. or at least my cat. i want her to belong to someone who's going to take care of her and not, you know. eat her or let her die."
"my heart is in such a horrible state now.
i wonder how long it's going to be until i can embrace that.
i wonder how long it's going to be until i can find myself wanting to be with someone else. i wonder how long it's going to be until i'm able to cry and not feel ridiculous and vulnerable, how long it's going to be until i feel allowed to say how i feel. when am i going to be better? when am i even going to be okay? when can i atleast feel like i'm okay? i understand i'm not going to get what i want. i understand that i've completely lost all chance i had and i'm not an option right now, i might not ever be an option again. i'm no longer filling my head with silly little ideas of ways things could have gotten better for us or how there's a chance you could suddenly come back to me.
but i'm so lost. i'm so hurt and scared.
i never even figured out what happened.
and i can't find myself letting go because of that.
i know i need to just hear it. i need that slap in the face.
i need an "i'm incredibly happy without you, you're no longer important to me, there's no chance in hell we'll be together again, so just fuck off."
but it's going to hurt so badly. i've made myself oblivious to all of this because i can't accept it, because it's hurts too badly to think of anyone else replacing me so quickly and so well. i could barely stand just not being with you in the first place. and i know it's ridiculous, but i still feel like i have a future with you, even if it isn't now. and that's keeping me from feeling anything for anyone. it's keeping me from taking any of the chances that are being flung at me. it's keeping me from getting close to anyone, because i've reserved it for you. i'm still waiting for you. i still want to be and am willing to wait for you.
maybe you should call me so you can get this silly notion out of head. or maybe you shouldn't.
jesus christ.
i'm doing everything differently, but i feel exactly the same. =("
"i miss who my friends were. i want to trust someone. i want someone to sit around for hours to talk to about everything and nothing, i want someone to go places with me, and see new things with me, and meet new people with me. this is a fucking boring city. this is a fucking boring state, and there's only so much you can do here before you run out of things to pass the time with. here you can go to a restaurant. that's all we have around here, is restaurants. so all you can do is talk. watch movies, paint pictures, go swimming, and talk. i wouldn't mind that if i had someone to talk to. i want conversation. and i want conversation where i don't have to watch what i say. i don't want to have to tiptoe around anyone because they're going to twist it up and say it to someone else. and i don't want to have to worry about losing a friend that way. people should talk to me about it. i want to be talked to. i want to be cared about.
i want alot of shit that i'm not going to get.
i realized that's what my problem is, of course. it's my problem. it's my fault. i don't fucking trust anyone.
i couldn't hang out with tommy at sonic yesterday, and i'm pretty sure that's fucked up mine and samantha's friendship. it really hurts to feel that way, but i did just suddenly leave without goodbyes or hugs or anything. but i had to leave. i couldn't be near him without feeling sick. i couldn't speak. i felt awful, and i had to leave. and no one's going to understand that, and i'm not going to try to get anyone to. fuck it.
i'm gonna start adding friends on myspace that live in new hampshire, so i can meet them when i go up there. it's one of the things i'm looking forward to. hell yeah, summer."
"i fucking figured it out.
i fucking figured it out.
i was sitting there with wadsworth, in ryan's jacket. letting myself say whatever i was feeling about my boyfriend at the moment, without the slightest regard of who i was speaking to.
i hardly care who i'm speaking to nowadays, complete focus rests on what is being said. i'm starting to be completely straightforward with everyone. it's part of my metamorphosis, this period i'm going through.
i'm almost done, though; i haven't changed, just my actions. my reactions.
i picked at leaves and picked at my nails, feeling his eyes watch me and take in everything i was saying. how he was so sweet. how he was so caring, how he would have never hurt anyone before christmas break. how everything started with me,
started with hurting me, ignoring me, leaving me and suddenly exploded into a seemingly intense hatred for everything and everyone around him.
an incredible sensitivity to his own feelings, but not anyone else's.
an attitude that put him first, a complete loss of modesty.
how careless he was about his friendships. his relationship with me. how no one understood. how everyone blamed lindsey for it, and how wrong they were. because i saw it before everyone else did. it was way before any of that happened. i watched him slowly fall apart. i watched him become what he is now. i watched because i was completely powerless to stop it. and i never knew why.
we're sitting on the steps of my porch, it was too hot beside his truck and too cold in the house.
i'm not upset. i'm not crying. just repeating what i always do, waiting to hear something different. letting it out but not letting it go.
i finished my more than just daily story and sat in silence, trying to make art with the leaf carvings i had previously done. i don't feel awkward or anything. it's okay to sit in silence, i've already decided.
"you know what happened, right?"
"what?"
"the boy had been hurt too much. he couldn't take it anymore."
"i definitely don't get out enough.
i just met like 7 great people who live around me and i'd never talked to them before.
i'm not going to drink, i don't think.
being sober around drunk people makes me not want to drink.
because i'm kindof low on self-control as it is.
uhhhh so yeah
i'm tired.
i feel good though.
i finally escaped my house. even though i still have tomato eye and probably look horrifying. i need more sunglasses because the boys broke them. ... fuckin' boys. i love them though. :] i'm glad stephen and i became friends again. he's awesome. i love that i'm dating ryan. i'm happy bill exists. even when he says "fuck you" and i ask him if he means it and he says "... i don't know."
i'm gonna go to sleep now.
i don't feel like being deep or talkative."
"see, i'm 16 years old. and i understand that i apparently haven't experienced enough in my life to understand how to treat certain situations. i don't know how i'll react to things in a year or two. but i do know that there's a very slim chance that anything that's surrounding me now will matter by next semester of school. and i'm not going to expect anything more. it all changes very quickly and most of the time it's not anyone's fault. there's no point in trying to fix something that you can't, no point in holding on to something that hurts you, and there's absolutely no point in whining about it. you're just making everyone else feel like shit. just chill out. it'll almost always pass, unless you constantly bitch about it. so shut up! have fun! it's really not that difficult.
there are people that love you, people who don't care, and people that are out to get you. there always will be, so now's a good time to get used to it. if stephen told me right now that i needed to stop doing something, i would listen. because i respect stephen and because i genuinely care about what he thinks of me. he's my friend. if, uh, brianna told me i needed to stop something, i would completely ignore it. i don't really trust her. she's not all that important to me and we live completely different lives. she doesn't know me, she doesn't know what i do, and she doesn't know why i do what i do. she's just saying what she's sees or hears, and that is nothing to base your opinion of someone on. so it doesn't matter. i don't care if someone i don't respect or someone i'm not close to tells me i'm doing something wrong. if i listened to everything everyone said, i wouldn't be a very happy camper.
/rant"
"my headaches are back. fucking shit.
when i told lindsey how my life was going before she left, she suggested that i probably should have moved to new hampshire. i think she was right. it was a mistake to stay this time. the only reason i did was because people talked me out of it about four days before i ran away. i stayed because i was convinced i was needed and that i needed them as well.
but i barely see these people now. and i realized yesterday that i feel less scared talking to complete strangers, or people i've only known for a couple of days, than i do talking to my closest friends. for some fucking reason ryan's the only exception to this rule, which is kindof funny because he's basically the only person out of my closest friends who have actually screwed me over and i should feel uncomfortable confiding in. i don't want to go do anything. i don't want to hang out. i'd rather sit inside and read a book about the aspects of the extended mind.
i'm not really sure what changed.
but the part of me that wants to hold on to anything died last summer."
"after a couple of days
and a couple of friends
and a couple of conversations
and a couple of new, awesome people,
i've come to the conclusion that
i like who i've become.
i'm exactly who i've always wanted to be.
i just have a few dents to hammer out.
like my location. >:/"
"death cab for cutie is my revolutionary band.
a majority of their songs stand for my transformation from who i was into who i am now.
i was thirteen years old, sitting in the passenger seat of otis's car, and he played "someday you will be loved."
i was scared of him, and even more scared of myself.
now every time i listen to the stable song, amputations, death of an interior decorator, fake frowns, passenger seat, new year, or any of those other songs, i'm always taken back to my first years of realizing who i was. and it's fucking beautiful.
i love my life. i love how i've gotten here. how sad i've been, how hateful i've been, how terrified i've been, how excited, and happy, and ignorant...
i love looking back every fall, when the air has just started getting that bitter, clean bite and realizing how fast and how intimately i'm growing up, plunging deeper into this ocean i'm bound to reach the bottom of one day. i love everyone that's still in my life and is keeping it intact, i love everyone who's ripped a hole in it for me to sew shut, i love everyone who's never been a part of it and never will be.
i'm happy.
i rarely have days like these.
i think it's the winter air."
happy 2009. |
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